Author and teacher Lodro Rinzler has contributed a few great posts here on Shambhala SunSpace (you’ll find links to those below), and in our current issue, Andrea Miller reviews Lodro’s new book, The Buddha Walks Into A Bar: A Guide to Life for a New Generation. Here, from that book, is a typically frank and helpful section on sex — which might very well be useful to you — even if you’ve never even dreamed of having a one-night stand.
Sex is experienced as different things by different people. It can be used to show true love or affection. It can be used simply to have fun. It can be used to smooth things over when you have gotten into a fight with your spouse or as an excuse to indulge your laziness and not get out of bed. It can be a wonderful, painful, humiliating, and at times, I would posit, a compassionate activity.
In terms of Buddhism and sex, we know for a fact that even the historical Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, had it, because his wife, Yasodhara, eventually gave birth to a son, and — as far as I know — sex is generally how children are created.
Flash forward to when Siddhartha became The Buddha. Suddenly he had a number of people coming to him, trying to live a spiritual life. He realized that his monastic followers would have to abide by certain rules, principle among them the five precepts.
The five precepts are: not taking the life of sentient beings, not taking what is not offered, not engaging in sexual misconduct, not using mindless speech (slander, gossip, lying, idle speech), and not ingesting intoxicants. Here I’ll be focusing on the third precept: “I take the vow to abstain from engaging in sexual misconduct.”
All five of these precepts have been interpreted in numerous ways over time and in different cultures. In the West there are some Buddhist communities where monastics vow to abide by these rules, but lay practitioners do not. Some communities encourage their lay practitioners to work with the precepts on an ongoing basis, while others utilize them only in long-term retreat situations.
I think any contemplation of these precepts can be helpful for a practitioner, so long as they take them to heart. However, I cannot imagine that the Buddha laid out these precepts so that thousands of years later his followers could fight over the “right” way to utilize them. If anything, I think the story of the Buddha’s teaching career serves as a signal about how we can explore the meaning of sexual misconduct for ourselves.
It is important to find our own style for bringing compassion into the bedroom. That might mean openly communicating with your lover about what you are comfortable with. Alternatively, it could be creating a safe space within which the two of you can be fully present with each other. It is up to each of us to determine what exactly compassionate sex means to us. Here’s an example:
One-Night Stands: View, Activity, and Fruition
One question that often comes my way is whether you can be a “good” Buddhist and still have one-night stands. Personally, I think so– if you seriously consider your view, activity, and the fruition of this sort of situation.
View: The important thing in any sexual activity, casual or in a long-term relationship, is considering your own motivation. Are you interested in having a one-night stand because you are too busy for a relationship, but you appreciate the other person and want to make a sexual connection with them? If so, that is one motivation worth acknowledging. Another motivation might be, “I’m drunk. I’m horny. They’re hot.” That motivation strikes me as likely to lead to trouble.
Knowing your motivation before engaging in any act is important, and this is doubly so when you are involving another person in potentially risky behavior such as sex. There are emotional risks as well as physical ones, so knowing your own intention is key.
Activity: Conduct is important. In my mind there are two ways to get enlightened. The first is to sit your butt down and practice meditation nonstop until you reach full awakening. The other is to bring meditation into your conduct, applying the principles you develop on the cushion to every aspect of your life.
When it comes to sex, good conduct could mean being very open and straightforward with your partner. It could be telling them very clearly about your intentions, or making sure you practice safe sex. Being openhearted, genuine, and caring seems simple enough, but it is especially important if you are attempting to bring someone to your bedroom.
Fruition: This may be the simplest marker of whether you have pulled off a compassionate one-night stand. Quite simply, you can examine how you feel the morning after. Applying curiosity to your own state, you can see if you find elation or humiliation. If it’s the latter, you likely won’t want to attempt such a thing again. It’s unfortunate if you feel this way, but mistakes along the path are helpful; now you know something you never want to do again, and you can vow not to repeat the same set of actions. If you feel elation, however, you may be one of those rare people who can casually have sex.
When it comes to sex, it seems that the looser you get in terms of the relationship structure, the more likely you are to cause harm either to yourself or your partner. Much of this harm can be prevented by openly communicating with your lover. It is essential to any relationship, no matter how long it runs the course, to remain open and curious about each other and how you are both changing with time. Keeping this curiosity allows you to refrain from developing set expectations that box your partner into a corner where they have no hope of satisfying your needs.
In sex and in love we have one tool that can uplift our situation and bring us indestructible joy: bodhichitta, or the mind of enlightenment. Because it is inherent to all beings, we can explore how to open our heart and how we can connect with the hearts of people we love and make love to. Opening the heart, without conditions, is our path. It is the compassionate way to live in our world. We may get hurt, but if we want to grow and find true love, or strive to love all beings, bodhichitta is the way to go.
Adapted from Lodro Rinzler’s book, The Buddha Walks Into A Bar: A Guide to Life for a New Generation, with permission of Shambhala Publications.
More from Lodro on Shambhala SunSpace:
8 Comments
I think that open communication is the key, and yet, it is what most of us resist. We think that by being open and honest, we won't get laid. Well, that may be true, but what we WILL end up with is respect and the potential for an actual friendship. There are few things more painful than being used by another person and then being discarded without so much as an apology or explanation.
you have to be kidding me.. there are plenty of things that are incredibly more painful than not getting a callback from your one-night stand…
the self-absorbed naivete of that statement is frankly horrifying
Sad to read this. Sex as described in this article is self gratification practiced by both partners. Just one further justification for a society that is nearly enslaved by sexual craving. Very sad. There is no path to liberation through exploitation and craving.
I couldn't agree more with this quote "There are few things more painful than being used by another person and then being discarded" especially when extended lies, games, or other manipulations are involved. If one partner is planning to have a one-night stand while the other doesn’t know their partner’s intentions, this is selfish, using, harmful, and mal-intended. Sex is the deepest way to work with karmas and dharmas. When we enter someone's karmic body and life even if it was only one night, the connection is forever (enmeshment). Also, to treat this sacred act as if it were only existing on the level of craving is terribly unaware and hurtful. Being used as an object of someone's craving without any mutual understanding of this is a painful experience that creates suffering via exploitation as the other post here also said. What is horrific and self-absorbed naivete is that anyone posting here would not be aware of or concerned about the suffering of other beings in terms of not recognizing the sacred level of the sexual connection and the honesty, integrity, trust, dignity and respect it requires. We must take and retake the Bodhisattva Vows again and implore ourselves to Do No Harm. Avoid Sexual Misconduct through Right Action. Also, the compassionate must always proceed with the understanding at all times that one person’s mosquito bite is another’s annihilation and keep in mind that “what goes around comes around” as Pema Chodron teaches in Tonglen Trainings. Exploitation around the sacred sexuality of our beings is rampant here. It is also a form of delusion and pollution that is extremely insidious to all suffering beings. But I suppose when you are mad with horror you are experiencing samsara, and spinning the dharma now that will awaken you to these unconscious aspects of yourself. Love is the highest law, all dharmas work from this principle, meaning that there is nothing more painful than doing wrong or injustice to the heart of grace in terms of our heart chakra centers and sacred sexuality. In fact, many other painful dharmas, like death, cancer and STDs, come from just this kind of disconnection, lack of consciousness and our continued stabbing attempt at exploitation around sacred sexuality when we are looking for love in all the wrong places. I wish that all beings would be purified from defilement and freed from the suffering and bondage of incomplete sexual acts that were not loving, kind, whole, or conscious. I believe further that this is at the heart of mankind’s most real suffering and pollution. Clean pure air to breathe is getting very hard to get now, but worst still on this planet there is no clean or pure love to connect with at our heart chakra level. If we cannot give that pure, joyous, whole and conscious love to each other, we fail humanity and ultimately ourselves. The polluted environment is only a reflection of our polluted hearts and minds.
一期一会 Ichi-go ichi-e (一期一会, literally "one time, one meeting, one chance") is a Japanese term.. .http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ichi-go_ichi-e
Flowers of Consciousness/Chaos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwbj5PYnDdM&li…
I just don't think that we treat each other right as human beings. I think that sacred relationships are not recognized as such and that we are failing each other at many levels here because of lack of awareness especially around sacred sexuality and vows (countless parajikas). There is a war on here for our hearts and minds. I think it is time that we ask ourselves when sex is used as a weapon between humans to get selfish needs met what have we done to ourselves and our humanity? In terms of trafficking, prostitution globally, and even between each of us living in a time of nearly replete narcissism and media driven objectification and divorce from ourselves the sex/slave trade is flourishing in modern times. The oldest profession is still going strong. How can we stop this carnage? I am compassionately aware that Trungpa himself was a prostitute of White Buddhism and was as such polluted and defiled. We have to know what prostitution is and be constantly aware of the Test of the Prostitute (Caroline Myss -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byjVYR0_Eag) at all times in discernment as warriors or risk the inebriation and intoxication of the poisons of the mind in terms of aggression, violence, and delusion. When exploitation is involved in human sexuality we should be very concerned and aware at every level. I implore all those in mindfulness training to Avoid Sexual Misconduct and Do no Harm. I think this is why most on the path who wish to escape samsara take vows of celibacy when they become monks or nuns. But for the rest of us, the best we can do is strive to DO NO HARM, remembering what goes around comes around.
Each leaf on the tree quivers in the wind, which will be next to go? Samurai proverb…
Samsara 輪廻 is now … Long for the wakeful is the night. Samsara is long. –The Dhammapada | http://japanlifeandreligion.com/2011/01/08/samsar…
1 in 4 has an STD now according the CDC. GET TESTED REGULARLY:
http://www.mtv.com/thinkmtv/documents/IYSL.pdf
For more on Right Sexual Conduct on the Path http://bezen.wordpress.com/2011/09/01/right-actio…
Avoid Sexual Misconduct by promoting trust and fidelity and not harming even one person. Do not lie, manipulate, or mislead others. The first lie is to yourself (sobriety is a must) and that is what will come back to you so let love always have the last word. Think before you act. Love is not selfish, it does not dishonor others…Do no harm to find the path to true love.
Thanissaro Bhikku on LUST: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDmEFFfYNP0
Thank you for saying what no one wants to say: Exploitation is an epidemic at home and abroad. It centers around our sexuality and the vast empire of it's current enslavement throughout the lands from the slums of Thailand to the common streets of any US city to "online dating" and so on. We are all impacted by this now. Next we need a book on the Buddha Hooking Up Online! I think that Siddhartha explored every venue, like Jesus too who kissed the feet of a whore named Mary Magdalene, but both ultimately chose to renounce the world in the end, stop samsara, and became ascetics after learning that this way was fraught with defilement and difficulty that only causes oneself and others harm unless done with the utmost respect and the brightest love. I wish everyone peace, dignity, trust, conscious love, and healing on the path.
See also:
A Walk Across the Sun by Corban Addison http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DzA-4-qtg8